Love Something Other Than Yourself - Tad Nelson

What happens when life’s maps completely shatter? In this episode of Everything's Not Black & White, Lachandra and Brian sit down with veteran Texas trial attorney Tad Nelson to discuss human crisis, resilience, and starting over. Drawing from over 30 years in family and criminal law, Tad shares a raw look at how people survive major transitions, why men emotionally "check out" long before a divorce, and how micro-habits anchor us in times of adversity. He also pulls back the curtain on his own life-altering pivot into late-stage fatherhood at 52. Whether you are leading a team through transition or navigating your own personal disruption, this conversation delivers an uncompromised masterclass in grit, grace, and finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

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Transcript

Everything's Not Black & White

Love Something Other Than Yourself - Tad Nelson

Episode Transcript

Intro Announcement: Welcome to Everything's Not Black and White with your hosts, Lala and Brian.

Lala: Hey everybody, welcome to today's episode. We're very excited! We have a special guest today, and he knows that some of life's hardest moments don't always come with a roadmap.

For more than three decades, attorney Tad Nelson has helped individuals and families navigate divorce, custody disputes, and some of the most emotionally challenging seasons of our lives. But beyond the legal side, he's seen firsthand what resilience looks like when people are forced to start over. So today we're talking about relationships, conflict, healing, and how to move forward when life doesn't go to plan.

Please welcome Tad Nelson to the ENBW Podcast. Welcome, Tad!

Brian: Welcome, Tad.

Tad: Well, thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here, guys.

Lala: Yeah, well, we're excited to have you! Thank you so much. So I would really like to get to the heart of what you do so our listeners really know it. How would you say people survive one of life's most difficult transitions without losing themselves in that process?

Tad: Well, not all do, to be completely frank with you. But I think the ones that do realize—it's weird to talk in clichés, but really—there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I remember an old Neil Simon movie, Chapter Two, where at the end the guy talks about finally realizing what you want to do with your life and wanting to start almost immediately. Just knowing that is enough to motivate people and carry them through the hard times—realizing that things are going to get better, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that they will be rewarded for the journey. I think that's imperative.

Lala: I think you're so right, Tad. Thinking about your experience over more than 30 years helping people through those really tough moments—divorces, custody disputes, and family challenges—what have those experiences taught you about how people react or survive right in the middle of those vulnerable moments?

Tad: Most of them are reaching down deep. I'm not a crazy religious person—I grew up Catholic—but I see a lot of people lean on their religion, which is great. I see some lean on their friends and family. The ones that have a support network are usually the ones that do better.

The ones that don't have a support network start turning to alcoholism and other bad habits. Going through a divorce and heavily drinking is a horrible combination.

As we were talking about earlier, even a 30-minute workout makes a huge difference. It's shocking what the little things can do. Like Admiral McRaven said in that graduation speech: make your bed. Literally, life is as simple as that—you wake up every morning and make your bed, and you've set yourself up for a good day. That's so much more important when you're dealing with adversity. The people going through divorces who maintain good habits stay away from the bad ones and navigate it much more cleanly.

Lala: Yeah, for sure. I remember when my mom and dad got divorced when I was young. Back in the day, people would always say, "Well, just stay together for the kids." But if you're arguing all the time and things aren't working, that's not healthy for the kids either. People get into routines and don't think they can break them, but you can make a different choice, and it can really help you get out of a funk.

Tad: It's funny you say that. One of my favorite things to tell people who are on the fence—saying, "My youngest is 12, that's only six more years"—is this: Divorce is going to be tough, but wouldn't seeing mom in a relationship with someone who respects her, treats her well, and does all the right things benefit that child ten times more than the hurt of leaving?

So many times, the outcome is positive. Do we really want a child sitting back and witnessing a loveless marriage where the parents don't talk, don't get along, and don't even like each other?

Lala: Yeah, absolutely. I've seen that happen so many times, and I can tell you my mom was so much happier after. We felt the benefit of it. I've been married now for 18 years, and while my mom didn't have that longevity in her first marriage, I was able to see how she made herself happy. It taught me to make sure I had a partner who took care of himself while making sure I was happy too. You can survive after divorce, and it can be a good thing!

Tad: Totally, yeah! I see it every day, thank God.

Lala: The title of our show is Everything's Not Black & White, and we talk a lot about the complexity of relationships. Have you seen cases where there really wasn't a clear villain or hero—just two people who were hurting and struggling to move forward?

Tad: Oh, every day! What I see a lot are people who got married really young before they were fully formed. Once they mature, they realize they have nothing in common—no shared interests. They were best friends when they were 15 in high school, but there's no bad guy or good guy here. It's just two people looking at life through different lenses.

My favorite case ever, over 20 years ago, was a couple just like that. They grew up together, their families knew each other from age six, and they became best friends at 13 or 14. They married halfway through college, but eventually realized they wanted different things.

He bought a second house less than two blocks away. They had twin boys, and when the boys were around 12, they would literally ride their bikes around the neighborhood and pick which house to eat dinner at based on what each parent was cooking! It was the most perfect breakup I've ever seen. If I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't have believed it. They even kept going to the same church. It was one in a million.

Lala: That's really cool! It's so nice when you can make that happen. It doesn't have to be a good guy or bad guy—sometimes you just grow apart. That happens a lot when you're young.

That happened to me in my early 20s. We grew in two different directions: I wanted to go to school, get my education, and better myself, while my ex wanted to keep hanging out at bars and pubs. Neither of us was necessarily "wrong," but when you're not moving forward together, it makes things really challenging.

Tad: It's funny you mention the bars. The two biggest things I see that pull people apart are when one wants to keep partying while the other grows up faster, or—especially down here in the South—when one person becomes uber-religious and can't bring the other along. It doesn't necessarily make someone toxic, but it causes real friction.

Brian: One of the challenges I had when I went through my divorce—I was the one who asked for it—was that I checked out mentally like two years before I ever brought it up. There was this long span of me emotionally working through the process. When I finally said, "I'm just not happy, this isn't working out, and I think we should go our separate ways," it was raw and sudden for her.

Do you find that with a lot of men? That men bottle up their emotions and don't communicate well?

Tad: Absolutely, I do! I see so many men exactly like you. The reason is usually that they're afraid to say what they're feeling or that they're ready to leave. When you ask them, "If you wanted out two years ago, why didn't you say anything?" they say, "I didn't want to hurt her," or "I didn't know how." They check out completely and just hope that maybe she'll wake them up one morning and say she wants a divorce.

A man checks out, no ifs, ands, or buts about it—he wants out of the relationship, but he just doesn't know how to do it, so he hems and haws for a long time.

Brian: When I got into my second marriage with my wife now—it's a wonderful marriage—the one thing I worked really hard on was making sure we communicate. I lost that in my first marriage, and ultimately that's what led us down that path. Communication is key to a healthy marriage, and even if things go south, communicating through the process is essential.

Tad: Absolutely! Honesty is the best policy. Put your cards on the table. If all cards are on the table, it's going to be a better relationship. Now, if someone is cheating or pulling nonsense, obviously they're not going to put their cards on the table. But by and large, couples who keep their cards on the table have better relationships.

So many couples build a moat between themselves—keeping separate checkbooks, hidden money, lock codes on their phones. All of that stuff just builds a barrier.

Lala: Do you see clients across different age ranges or tenures? A couple of years ago, a good friend's parents got divorced after almost 60 years of marriage, and that boggled my mind! They got married in their 20s and were almost in their 80s. What would be the "final straw" after waiting that long?

Tad: We just finished a case involving over 50 years of marriage. What made this one unique was the outside dynamic—the children and grandchildren, expectations, and where the money was going.

A cohesive unit that attacks whatever the world throws at them together can usually repel outside trauma. But in this case, the husband was taking so much pressure from the wife's oldest daughter from a previous marriage regarding money and expectations. I hate to see money become the issue. Money is important, but it breaks my heart when money is what causes people to divorce.

Lala: That's one of the biggest drivers. It's usually either something emotional—like physical or emotional cheating—or financial. Those are two of the biggest things I've seen in my friend groups.

I'm really curious, Tad, how did you become a lawyer? Did you always know as a little boy that you wanted to be an attorney?

Tad: I knew I was going to be a lawyer by the time I was 10 or 11, purely from my dad. My dad was a longshoreman on the waterfront. He felt people took advantage of him, and he'd always say, "These lawyers are screwing me, Tad! You need to be a lawyer." By the time I was 11, I had heard it so many times that I just accepted it—my dad was my hero, so whatever made him proud was what I wanted to do.

I went off to the University of Texas for business school, thinking I'd do estate planning and tax law because I was good with numbers. I got my first job at a big probate firm in downtown Houston, and within six weeks, I wanted to jump off the building—I was so bored!

The elected DA in Galveston County was a close family friend. I called him up one night and said, "Mr. Reno, I really don't like what I'm doing at this probate firm; I want to be in the courtroom." He told me, "You'll always have a job here on the next opening." An opening came up ten days later. He asked if I could start in two weeks, so I walked in, quit my job, and became a prosecutor for three years.

On June 1st, 1994, I opened my own firm. Once you represent people in criminal law, family law and divorces naturally follow. Criminal defense and family law have been my main areas ever since. In both, I find people in their darkest moments, and my job is to bring them into the light.

Lala: I love that! It's funny—I got a lighthouse tattoo when I was 21 years old because I always said I wanted to be a light and a beacon to help people through dark times.

Tad: Oh, I love that! That's a really cool way to think about it. Good for you.

It's so right on. When you're young, smart, arrogant, and driven, your priorities can be out of whack. I ran my practice to make money, work hard, build a great firm, and be a great lawyer. But as you get older, if you're doing it right, you mellow like fine wine and become a better version of yourself.

Then, at 52 years old, I fell ass-backwards into having my daughter! It brings you to a screeching halt, like the Road Runner letting Wile E. Coyote run by. It changed my life. I still work just as hard, but now with a clearer purpose: to protect someone else. You have to wish for everybody in life that, at some point, they love something more than they love themselves.

Lala: Man, that's a mic drop moment right there, Tad! I love that. Thank you so, so much. This has been such an enlightening conversation! Brian and I are in our early 50s, right around the age you had your daughter, but we're on the flip side enjoying life as empty nesters now.

Tad: I respect both paths! I have lawyer friends who built their firms while raising young kids, playing golf occasionally, and doing it all—I respect that tremendously.

The flip side for me is that because I was already established when my daughter came along, I get to do so much with her. My eight-year-old already has 24 stamps on her passport! The more you travel, the more you realize the world is a small place, and we're all human beings. I love that my little girl doesn't see color or differences—she's part of the solution, not the problem.

Lala: I love that so much! Tad, you are so full of life, energy, and great perspective. You are exactly the kind of guest we love having on our show. How can people get in touch with you if they need your services?

Tad: They can visit my website at tadlaw.com. I'm on all social channels, usually under Tad Nelson (or tad.nelson / tad_nelson). I'm also writing a book on criminal law that should be out in a couple of months, which will be posted on the website. Thank you so much for letting me plug that!

Lala: Of course! We're excited to have had you, Tad. Your voice was very needed today.

Brian, can you tell people how they can stay in touch with us?

Brian: Yeah, you can reach us at embwpodcast@gmail.com. You can also follow us on Facebook and Instagram!

Lala: Awesome! Thank you all for joining us today. Thanks again to Tad, and we'll see you all next time!

Brian: Bye!